With a glass of chardonnay by her side and a melancholy song in her heart, our hero shreds the unused checks from her and her husband’s joint bank account.
The birth of our hero!
Prepare yourself for the Super Widow!
Well, I made a truly epic mixed tape that alternated between Portuguese Fado, Nancy Sinatra and Drake respectively. I even lay down some of my own SW beats in my state of the art home recording studio. (In fact, I hate to name drop, but the break through local Seattle Rap artist Mackeralmore blogged about the very awesomeness of my home studio.) And yet, I still feel empty. This mystery man, this muralist extraordinaire, with the love he clearly feels for me, he has opened my heart again, illuminating the emotional wasteland left behind by that other man that I married and who committed the ultimate betrayal when he up and croaked on me. I decided I have to meet the new man of my dreams.
You see my formula to cope with the darkest of nights combines, three bottles of wine, four (teen) or so extra strength tylenol PM (which are non-habit forming, of course. One must always be careful of addiction) and a sprinkling of muscle relaxant. This allows me to sleep through my grief as well as the discomfort caused by the moisturizer infused burlap body stocking that I wear to bed each night. It is another brilliant invention of mine that I am patenting and calling the Exfoliderm Stocking. ™ I arise in the mornings a wee bit groggy to be frank, and often can’t remember anything before 6PM but my skin! OH! Like a baby’s bottom. So it is absolutely essential that I follow my regime. God forbid my new love touches me and I am covered in an unsightly layer of dry, dead skin cells. I would lose him for sure!
My next move was brilliant! Meg, my most faithful fan and cleaning lady, is an expert on surveillance electronics. Funny story. Unbeknownst to me she had thoroughly wired my house with itty bitty hidden cameras and had been watching my every move from her basement apartment in my house. Isn’t technology amazing! Oh, how we laughed when I discovered the private website she had posted online that cronicled via webcam, the menutia of my day. I had no idea I looked so fetching even as I brushed my teeth. I can’t blame her and the three other fans of the site for their fascination. It is the light that I emminate and those three ladies in lockdown need as much light as they can get, given their exceedingly long sentences. So Meg installed a computron type tablet on the side of the house so that I may speak with my love from inside the house via the intranet with minimal disruption to my beauty routine.
Dusk is coming my adoring friends. In the darkness, my love will arrive and I will be ready to embrace him electronically and profess my undying devotion. “Too much to fast,” you say? Perhaps I should “meet him first, to see what he looks like and make sure his credit score is decent?” Well, the great depths of my sorrow have created a capacity for love unmatched by any other. Do I sometimes I sound a little competitive? I most certainly am not. I am just honest. Like a ninety year old woman neck deep into her G and Ts. I speak most spectacularly with unequivocal, astounding plainness. I promise you my doting fans, I will never get too fancy for my own good. The world has too many narcissists already. What I am is a gift around which the universe can’t help but to be compelled to rotate. It is my burden but I will shoulder it for you. You need me. I know. I promise to be faithful to you even as my new love blows my mind between the sheets. OH MY! OH! ….what was I saying… Well it is getting late and that fourth bottle of wine isn’t going to drink itself.
Yours forever as you bask in my most holy light.
Winner of the ‘Gwith Ot Waf Aef’
(Greatest Widow In The History Of The World And For All Eternity Forever)
–By Super Widow (Entry 3)
My world has been rocked asunder. This new vista in which I now exist has changed me irrevocably. Opened my heart. Given me purpose. I now know what I must do!
You see, I had been feeling abundantly sad of late. Drifting through life. My late husband’s thoughtless abandonment had left me questioning my value. Just yesterday morning I had been trying to find a hobby or some sort of a project to cheer me up. Even then, I certainly knew what I would not do!? Label transforming complete junk in to a new kind of utter kak! Did you know that there are people turning Ikea shopping bags into swimwear!? AND let me just say for the record that I am sick and tired of the world of DIY trying to convince me that with a few cans of spray paint and an assortment of glues you can make just about anything look new again. I mean the torrent of advice from amateur and pro decorators alike is astonishing. Shameful! While you are all at it, why don’t you take that can of seascape blue and make over your god awfully behaved children! Decoupage that husband with the wandering eye! ‘Up cycle’ your whole damned life while you are at it! Take that glut of stuff and junk you bought that was meant to fill the emotional voids in your life and give them a makeover. Soooo easy armed with an arsenal of spray cans filled with the promise of a clean, shiny new life.
And no one has more of those cans of hope than my Crazy. Ass. Bitch. Neighbor! CBN has not one but 1000 Pinterest pages about it. She and her GOB (Gaggle o’ Bitches) have spray painted everything from a can of spray paint, to a toilet brush, to the flowers in her garden. “The pink of the hydrangea was too blue and needed a touch of orange. “I needed to warm them up,” she cooed. I told her that was ridiculous and invited her to come over to my place to make out the next time she needed to warm something up. The woman has no sense of humor. Everyone else at the PTA meeting thought it was hilarious! Well, at least the token dad was into it.
I digress… As one of his final acts of home improvement, my husband installed a widow’s walk atop of our house along with a with high-powered star-gazing telescope. For the life of me, I can’t imagine why. I will admit that it has proven quite handy not only to ensure that our house always looms at least half a story taller than the rest of the neighborhood but to provide an excellent vista of the comings and goings of the area. Not the least of which is a perfect view of CBN’s DIY up-cycled reclaimed window walled “crafting shed.” She built it, “in order to be able to achieve maximum ventilation for all of her up-cycled domestic spray art. Health before aesthetics!” (Honestly, she really can just fuck off.)
Well! Last night after our One On One hot meditating™, while Rama Pete prepared some of his most holy prayer smoke for us to imbibe in our most holy state of post mediation bliss, I went into the bathroom to remove some nail polish. The bottle was curiously empty but I did notice movement in CBN’s DIY up-cycled reclaimed window walled crafting shed. I didn’t think much of it and returned to Rama Pete who was wrapped in his loin cloth dripping in sweat doing pull ups from the bar of my wrought iron canopy bed. Odd, but okay, I’m never one to discourage physical exercise. He was having trouble counting past one so in support, I began counting for him while I imbibed. Shortly there after I found myself recreating the uneven bar routine from high school regionals on that same bed. Rama Pete had moved on to unknotting my hand-knotted Tibetan rug one knot at a time while singing the libretto of 8 Mile. So profound. It was about this time that I had the overwhelming impulse to hump my late husband’s telescope on the widows walk. I moved with the astounding personal physical governance of a panther up the ladder but before I could get one leg up and over the telescope, I again sensed movement in my CBN’s up-cycled shed. Terrified I’d been seen, and heard…I’m pretty sure I was howling…I dropped to my belly on the floor of the widow’s walk.
Well. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well. Oh, CBN.
When I peeked up over the rail, there they were the Gaggle o’ Bitches, entrenched in a fog, nay, a full on cumulus nimbus of sprayed paint. The windows were tightly secured. I grabbed the telescope for a closer look. And wasn’t the Queen of the B’s sitting there a top the papier-mache life raft she had recently crafted, holding a bag over her nose and mouth and inhaling deeply. An industrial sized bucket of decoupage glue at her side. Clearly the paint fumes were not enough! And OH those GOBs! Some were laughing hysterically, some crying Tonya Harding style, a few were talking smack to their invisible barista, and the gaggliest B of them all, Tammy Swinny was humping the floor to an erratic beat only she could hear. God bless.
And I thought Of COURSE! Huffing! It explains so much! This DIY phenomena this international obsession with crafting and ‘up-cycling.’ Environment my ass. Let it now be said that I am on to you, you glut of crafters clogging up once perfectly respectful design websites with your latex two coat dreams. You are huffing!
I grabbed my iPhone and ran stealthily through the back yard. I climbed the fence with the agility of a navy seal. I was specTACular. I managed to creep right up to the temple of inhalants undetected and began snapping away. What I saw was going to shake the very foundation of suburban life in Seattle as we know it. This city known for its high rate of literacy, for its groundbreaking computronish type industries, for cutting edge hipsters and mustache themed jewelry was about to fall and fall hard. I snapped photo after photo until CBN realized they were all seeing the flashes of light from my camera. They ran out to confront me. (Ran is being rather generous. Stumble, trip, moonwalk, jazzercise…all aplicable.) They saw me. I saw them. They saw that I saw them. They saw that I saw that they saw me. CBN tackled me, emitting sounds like those of a raccoon engaged in intimate relations. We struggled. A woman high on decoupage glue is not to be trifled with, let me tell you! But I had the almighty universe on my side and my inner strength was of iron. Well, until that horndog Tammy began humping my right leg. I tried to swat her away and in that instant, CBN ripped my iPhone from my hands. She stood. The gaggle of B’s surrounded her. She began reviewing the photos.
“I’ve already sent them to the cloud!” I yelled.
She dropped the phone dispassionately to the dew covered grass and like zombie phantoms, they all scattered into the darkness toward their various homes.
Back in my bedroom, Rama Pete had rewoven my rug into a man-sized cocoon bed in which he slept deeply. I, with bated breath, reviewed the gold mine that awaited me on my phone.
In retrospect, I should have checked the direction of the lens on my iPhone. It was set to self-portrait.
Now you may say, and certainly CBN did say that I had no evidence but why else would anyone in their right mind be making such a face? The shock and awe on my visage is palpable. It is conclusive that I was witnessing a deeply distressing event. Still to no avail. In the light of day, CBN and her GOBs deny it all. The thing is, all I want to do is help them. Huffing is a serious, dangerous, life ending addiction and these women were in denial! Today, I am clear of mind. As I said at the beginning of this entry, I have a purpose. I am going to stage an intervention! It will be my pleasure to help my CBN. What would love do? It would not turn a blind eye! I have a responsibility to bring the bitches back into the light of the loving universe before they lose their path completely.
But first, I need evidence. And when there is a mystery to be solved, there is only one person to call. She is experienced, she is wise, and most importantly she is famous!
Stay tuned my friends, for next I will bring to you the Huffing Tons post.
Winner of the ‘Gwith Ot Waf Aef’
(Greatest Widow In The History Of The World And For All Eternity Forever)