Well, I made a truly epic mixed tape that alternated between Portuguese Fado, Nancy Sinatra and Drake respectively. I even lay down some of my own SW beats in my state of the art home recording studio. (In fact, I hate to name drop, but the break through local Seattle Rap artist Mackeralmore blogged about the very awesomeness of my home studio.) And yet, I still feel empty. This mystery man, this muralist extraordinaire, with the love he clearly feels for me, he has opened my heart again, illuminating the emotional wasteland left behind by that other man that I married and who committed the ultimate betrayal when he up and croaked on me. I decided I have to meet the new man of my dreams.
You see my formula to cope with the darkest of nights combines, three bottles of wine, four (teen) or so extra strength tylenol PM (which are non-habit forming, of course. One must always be careful of addiction) and a sprinkling of muscle relaxant. This allows me to sleep through my grief as well as the discomfort caused by the moisturizer infused burlap body stocking that I wear to bed each night. It is another brilliant invention of mine that I am patenting and calling the Exfoliderm Stocking. ™ I arise in the mornings a wee bit groggy to be frank, and often can’t remember anything before 6PM but my skin! OH! Like a baby’s bottom. So it is absolutely essential that I follow my regime. God forbid my new love touches me and I am covered in an unsightly layer of dry, dead skin cells. I would lose him for sure!
My next move was brilliant! Meg, my most faithful fan and cleaning lady, is an expert on surveillance electronics. Funny story. Unbeknownst to me she had thoroughly wired my house with itty bitty hidden cameras and had been watching my every move from her basement apartment in my house. Isn’t technology amazing! Oh, how we laughed when I discovered the private website she had posted online that cronicled via webcam, the menutia of my day. I had no idea I looked so fetching even as I brushed my teeth. I can’t blame her and the three other fans of the site for their fascination. It is the light that I emminate and those three ladies in lockdown need as much light as they can get, given their exceedingly long sentences. So Meg installed a computron type tablet on the side of the house so that I may speak with my love from inside the house via the intranet with minimal disruption to my beauty routine.
Dusk is coming my adoring friends. In the darkness, my love will arrive and I will be ready to embrace him electronically and profess my undying devotion. “Too much to fast,” you say? Perhaps I should “meet him first, to see what he looks like and make sure his credit score is decent?” Well, the great depths of my sorrow have created a capacity for love unmatched by any other. Do I sometimes I sound a little competitive? I most certainly am not. I am just honest. Like a ninety year old woman neck deep into her G and Ts. I speak most spectacularly with unequivocal, astounding plainness. I promise you my doting fans, I will never get too fancy for my own good. The world has too many narcissists already. What I am is a gift around which the universe can’t help but to be compelled to rotate. It is my burden but I will shoulder it for you. You need me. I know. I promise to be faithful to you even as my new love blows my mind between the sheets. OH MY! OH! ….what was I saying… Well it is getting late and that fourth bottle of wine isn’t going to drink itself.
Yours forever as you bask in my most holy light.
Winner of the ‘Gwith Ot Waf Aef’
(Greatest Widow In The History Of The World And For All Eternity Forever)