Dearest adoring fans, what would I do without you? You see, there are times that the thought of never seeing my late husband ever again brings on a near madness that makes me desire to learn how to tie my own shoes . (Can you imagine!? Ugh! No thank you.) Last night I actually dreamt I was shoe shopping with him in a store that sold only lace ups! I was weeping hysterically at the sheer cruelty of it all, screaming to the salesman for slip ons, buckles or zippers! The sound of my own voice crying out in despair awoke me in the dead of night. So let me just say, thank God for all the excitement in my neighborhood! It is a most outstanding distraction.
After busting CBN’s huffing ring I discovered that her huffing shed was 4’ 11 & 9/10th inches from her fence. Local ordinances require at least 5 feet! How did I find out!? Why I went under cover and dressed up as a panda bear to take measurements. I figured while high she sees all sorts of things. She’d be afraid that if she reported seeing a panda in her yard they might come to believe my charges of huffing.
Oh! The the sound of her voice screeching my name when the city inspectors showed up! The glass of three panes from that GD up-cycled shed shattered from the sound. Which made her screech my name louder and more panes broke and thus the cycle continued until all that was left were empty frames. You see she radiates hatred and through my holy energy it is turned to love. And it is love that has shattered the site of her huffing. The shed is now fully ventilated! Yes, more susceptible to rain and I’m sure she is rethinking the wisdom of that paper mache life raft but all in all…it really is poetic!
That all would have been satisfying unto itself but to make matters even better, during the inspection, an underground cellar packed floor to ceiling with a ridiculous amount the rarest, and finest varieties of street art spray paint was unearthed. Some was shipped from as far as Russia and China. She was told that it was dangerously and improperly stored and that she had one month to dispose of all of it!
Oh, it gets better!
Two days after the inspection, I awoke to the most superb Suburbia Street Art painted on the side of my house! It was a Norman Rockwell style family wearing gas masks while the mother spray-painted a birthday cake. I e-mailed her a jpg.
She was enraged, concluding, I think rightly so the artist was mocking her! She then let it slip, “I didn’t hire him to humiliate ME!” before clamping her mouth shut and scurrying back into her house.
I don’t know what she told him but low and behold the next morning the mural was replaced by a mural of the dad from Leave it to Beaver smoking a joint while eating a brownie branded with a pot leaf symbol. A quote from the genius rap tune Stop the Breaks was displayed next to it. “I do graffiti art, but like Mozart, decorate the symbol, I ain’t just paint…” Brilliant.
I sent CBN another jpg. She was certain the the mural represented that infamous Xmas party. Stop the Breaks quote and all! You know the one from my blog entry Whale of a Christmas. Yes, that one. She was IRATE! I guess the artist is a fan of my blog and thoroughly enjoyed that entry. He told me so in a note he left at my front door. I am so loved. I really am. It is remarkable. That’s what the love prism that I am can do to the world, transform CBN’s bile into art.
Today, I have written him a note with a tastefull nude photo of me attached asking that the artist do a rendering of me wearing my cape….only. Scandalous! I hope I hear back from him. If he does write back, I wonder what he will say….? And to what will I awaken on the side of my house!?
Also, please note, dear readers that my special cracker jack mystery solving guest has booked her ticket. She will be here in a matter of weeks to help me bust this huffing ring wide open!!
I love you all!