When I arrived home yesterday, I received the most wonderous news. I have been awared a great honor. I have been named The Greatest Widow In The History Of The World And For All Eternity Forever – or the “Gwith Ot Waf Aef” which, interesting bit of trivia, is a gaelic expression for “manly lady with short legs and broad back.” Fascinating! I am honored to receive the award but not at all surprised. I spend so much of my time endeavoring to do all that I can in order to grieve in the highest form. Since my husbands most unfortunate passing, death, gross, whatever, I have considered this grief, this unwanted, heavy mantle is not truly mine to bear. It belongs to the universe and I intend to return it to the universe as the glorious sheath of light it was always intended to be.
My guru, Rama Lama Ding Dong/Pete, a most elevated man with a past so fraught with suffering that he has not once spoken of it. The only clue I have is after an evening of ‘One On One Hot Meditating’ ™, I heard him muttering in his sleep, “MY cardboard box!” Can you imagine!? A life like that! I often find him asleep on my bathroom floor. The act of prayer and intense inhalation of his most holy prayer smoke cause him to be lost in a reverie of spiritual awakening so vast and full that I find it difficult to stir him for hours to come. He is one of my greatest inspirations.
My other inspiration is my six year old daughter. Now, I am about to say something that will no doubt stir up some unpleasantness.
Some children are just better than others and I have birthed one of those exceptional children. If I have offended you, your offspring is clearly in the lesser category. I’m sorry, but don’t be mad at me. Take it up with God and then blame yourself. IQ is directly related to genetics. That being said, watching my sweet six year old Grace Bella Du Lac, navigate her way through the grief, as a swan might through the choppy waters of the park pond on a breezy day, I burst with pride. She is of me and I have done everything to ensure her success.
To help her cope with the transmutation of her father’s soul, she has a different therapist for everyday of the week.
Monday: Talk Therapy
Tuesday: Grief in the Circus Arts Therapy™.
Wednesday: Decoupage Your Grief Away™.
Thursday: Equine Grief Therapy with a Down Beat.™
Friday: Rage Against The Ravine, Eco Therapy.™ (Available in the Pacific NW only.)
Saturday: Couples Therapy For Single Children.™
Sunday: Downward Facing God.™
And let me tell you all of her therapists say the same thing she teaches them. They feel blessed to be in her sessions.
And they aren’t alone. Not a day goes by that I am not contacted by a school begging me to permit her to attend their institution. Public or private their desire to be graced by my daughter’s presence is indiscriminate. I’m not allowed to disclose the names of any of the schools but suffice it to say that if a teacher or staff member has been laid off from your child’s school, it isn’t due to budget cuts. Schools throw money at me in the hope that my daughter will attend their establishment. If a teacher has to be fired and the class size goes up to 300, well that’s just the price of the existence of such a remarkable child in a sea of ordinary faces. What is hilarious is, well, like she’d ever attend a school with class sizes larger than 8. But, I do have to pay for all the therapy some how. You see the system is working perfectly!
At home I have set up what has been called “The most intelligent physical grief therapy room that cares for the mind body connection in the cultured world. ” The divine inspiration for the room came to me after I read a book titled “Equipment For Intelligent Grief Therapy – Caring For The Mind Body Connection.” There were diagrams of the most wonderful apparatus, which I copied to invent the apparatus for my room. I would expect Gwith Ot Waf Aef will want photos of me in a leotard demonstrating some of my exercises. I think perhaps the most effective installation is the ceiling system of hooks, wheels and pulleys that support the inverted thinking swing. I lay in vertical reversal for hours weeping out the negativity. When once again erect I am always stunned by the pure positive thoughts that have overtaken my being. Perhaps there will be interest in a series of videos that could be sold on HSN? Case in point! That thought came to me after a brief three-hour session. Before that particular inversion I was convinced my right breast was hanging slightly lower than my left and was in a state of near breakdown. I believe witnessing my mental/emotional transformation would prove invaluable to the public at large.
Acts of charity are also important. It is almost embarrassing how may people want to volunteer to just be near me so remarkable do they feel that I am. I always insist on compensation for their efforts. For example: my poor cleaning lady Meg. She has lost not one but 16 husbands and their lovers all due to suspicious death. She has clearly latched on to me to live vicariously through my grief, as she is incapable of expressing any emotion of her own. She will sit cross-legged in front of my fireplace, staring at the flames for hours while Ding Dong records performances of my grief poetry. (OH! Brilliant. I could sell the tapes and video together on HSN as a package.)
You, you, you, death.
Vigilant to the death.
I am so cold.
I look up. Up.
I ask the starry sky.
Meg applauds every time I complete my performance and for this and her outstanding talent of thoroughly disinfecting every hard surface of my house with bleach, I always have a matchbook collected from various local high-end restaurants at which she could no doubt never afford to eat. My, how she loves my offering. She runs her fingers over the embossed fonts and once I even caught her licking the matches themselves. Her profound appreciation is abundantly clear as she reaches out and kisses my hand. I am just so pleased that I can be such a positive influence on her life.
So you see, a spiritual dogma, inspiration, therapy, the mind body connection, and acts of charity. These are just some of the reasons that I was awarded the “Gwith Ot Waf Aef” and there is so much more I am anxious to share with you. My celebrity connections. My bold and colorful experiences reentering the dating pool. Fantasies of marking my revenge against my crazy bitch neighbor by putting poisonous snakes and spiders in her bed. My personal hygiene tips. The benefits you will receive will out pace any other influence you might have in your life.
Join me in this most wonderous journey!
With most effervescent and everlasting love,